The Haggle Script
Nobody negotiates well two days after a death. That’s not a character flaw, it’s the business model. So don’t negotiate: read.
Answer three questions and get the exact words: the opener that signals you know your rights, the asks for what you actually want, and the comebacks for every classic pushback. All of it backed by federal law.
Death hack #4
Get your words
Your opener
“Hello — someone in my family has died and I'm comparing prices for the family. Before we discuss anything else, could you email me your General Price List? I understand it's available on request.”
A funeral director who hears “General Price List” in your first sentence knows you know the rules. Prices behave differently after that.
Your asks
- •“We want a direct cremation: no viewing, no embalming, no ceremony at the funeral home.”
- •“The alternative container is fine. We don't need a casket for a cremation.”
- •“Please quote the direct cremation price and anything not included: transport, crematory fee, death certificates, permits.”
If they push back
They say: “Embalming is required.”
You say: “Not for what we've chosen. No state requires embalming for a direct cremation or immediate burial, and refrigeration is the standard alternative.”
They say: “There's a handling fee for caskets bought elsewhere.”
You say: “The FTC Funeral Rule prohibits any fee for using a casket we provide. We'll have it shipped to you directly.”
They say: “That's only available as part of a package.”
You say: “The Funeral Rule gives us the right to select goods and services individually. Please quote the items separately.”
They say: “A protective casket will preserve them.”
You say: “The FTC bars claims that any casket preserves a body indefinitely. We'll pass on the gasket.”
They say: “A vault is required by law.”
You say: “No state law requires a burial vault. If the cemetery requires a liner, we'll take the minimum grave liner, not a sealed vault.”
They say: “You'll need to decide today.”
You say: “We won't. We're getting two more quotes. A fair price today is still fair tomorrow.”
Send it to whoever is making the calls. Better yet, send it to three funeral homes and compare what comes back.
Why five sentences save four figures
Funeral pricing is quoted person by person, and the quote responds to signals. Asking for the General Price List by name is the single strongest one: it’s the document the FTC requires them to hand over, and only informed shoppers ask for it. Declining embalming, unbundling the package, and mentioning your casket rights each remove a four-figure line before it lands on the bill.
The biggest lever is the last line of the script: getting a second and third quote. Families who compare even two providers routinely save over a thousand dollars on identical service. Know what fair looks like before the first call, and no showroom can move you.
The law behind the lines
Every comeback maps to the FTC Funeral Rule (16 CFR Part 453): the General Price List on request, the right to select goods and services individually, no fee for a casket you provide, no claims that caskets preserve remains, and required disclosure that embalming is not legally required in most cases. Burial vaults are cemetery policy, not law, in all 50 states. Laws on specific state details vary; the Rule is federal and applies everywhere.
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